27 June 2006


So, my car has been whacked. Sneezy was staying over... he woke up this morning, and said, ``Do you need your car? I have work to do, i'll be done by 1.30.'' Now he says 5.00. I have a date sometime today, and I thought i'd be impressing her with an open jeep. Now I'll have to impress her with a very stylish flourish as I pull my wallet out of my back pocket.

Well, anyhow, i've been Tagged by Juice. I dont normally do tags... and I still have one lying undone. But I'm doing this anyhow.
I am thinking about ...
Women. All of them. The short ones, the tall ones. The Cute ones, the not so cute ones. The ones that wanted me, the ones that didn't. The ones the could flirt. The ones that yelled at me. The ones that cried. And, as an afterthought, i'm also thinking a little bt about work, and how I'll probably get fired if I dont get this very unlikely story today.

I said ...
Me: You know what I really want to do?
Her: hmmmm?
Me: Make love to you.
Her: why?
Me: eh?

*In my head, i'm thinking, what the hell sort of question is why? For the record, i didn't have an answer*

I want to ...
Drive the Raid de Himalya.
Ride the Khardung-la.
Mountain bike in British Columbia.
Go to Elevate.
Sky dive.
Walk to Bhrigu.
Snow-board (I think i'd be good. I'm naturally good at this stuff)

I wish...

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky
I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I miss ...
Pune. I Miss the hills. I miss having friends that I can run with. Its a really nice city, you know. And people care more about things like the rains than about getting to work on time.

I hear...
Noises in my head. All the time. Really.

I wonder ...
Why, in gods name, why, why, why anyone would want to marry her.

I regret...
I didn't go with Biren to the Army entrance exam.
The New aunt.
Not going to the gym this morning.

I am...
Really fast down hill. Ok, i was, there's no hills in Delhi, so I havn't done that for a while.

I dance ...
With my sister. We do the silly dance, and then hit each other.

I sing...
No, i don't, actually.

I am not always ...
Dependable. But I can always pretend like I am.

I make with my hands...
Cow-dung cakes, that you can plaster your house with to keep flies away. And pots. And paper. None of it too well, but i can do that.

I write...
About dead people. About roads and potholes. About rapes. About stolen money. About funding for schools. Some lies. Some innacuracies. Very little thats 100 percent correct.

I confuse...
Myself a whole lot.

I should try...
A threesome :) With 2 girls, of course... I don't want to see a naked man up close.
I finish...
Very little very well.

Ah. That tag is over. Formatting was a bitch. Now that i've done it, I have the privilege to tag as many people as I like. I decree : Sexy Indian Bitch, Bloggerhead, Mahi (when she's back), AQC, and Vijayeta.
On your own blogs, please, not in the comments section!

21 June 2006

Confessions of a Lifeguard.

The problem with me is, I'm a nice guy.

Yes, that is a significant problem.

See, some time ago, I'd decided that all the relationships i'd wanted were completely superficial. Only flings. Nothing serious. Now the problem with that is, you need to be a bit of an asshole to pull that off right. But you see, the bit of asshole in me is a little bit too little.

Now that we're on the topic, I have a nice ass. Or arse, as my now-british friend says.

But coming back to the original asshole, I don't have enough in me.

Like, for instance. There's this girl. A couple of years younger than me. She was an intern at our office. Now, i'm not bragging, but she's in love with me. She messages me all the time. Calls me. Messages me to say that I didn't answer. And I still don't answer. She still messages. The most asshole I can be, is to not answer her calls.

Anyhow, one day, she messaged me, telling me, and I quote, ``I really `dig' you''. First of all, who says `dig' anymore. Secondly, why the hell was the `dig' in single inverted commas?

So i answered : ``huh?''

So she said something about how she really liked me and how she thought about me all the time.

So I said, ``I'm sorry, i just dont feel the same way.'' I couldn't be really rude, so i said, ``its not you, its just, i'm not ready for a relationship.'' But it was her. I mean, she was cute and all, and reasonably smart (ish), but I just couldn't see myself with her. So I said, ``I'm sorry''.
So she said, ``How about just a fling then?''
In my head, i could
a) See a new post for this blog
b) See that, if persued, things would not end well.
It would have been easy for me. Have the fling, and then say, ``Look you said just fling, so, ta ta.''

Time out : I said to my roomie, ``Dude, this chick keeps messaging, like what do I do?'' He answers, ``Just fuck her and get it over with.'' I just went, ``huh?'' So he answers, ``Yea, after a guy fucks a woman, she's not interested in him anymore.'' I had to laugh at him...

Anyhow, so its very easy to have a fling with this girl. But i can't. Maybe if I liked her a little more. I'd put my principles aside for some women.

It all seems a little pointless when youre main aim in life is to have meaningless relationships, but you're just too principled. It's like, having a Dodge Viper, but refusing to drift, because its unsafe for oncoming traffic.

Ok, i'm a nice guy. Thats settled. But the problem is that the asshole in me keeps popping up every now and then.

This wednesday, I went to TC with some people from work. I havn't been there in ages. For a wednesday night (which is Media night, for all you non delhi folk) it was really empty. Like i could walk around, and if i wanted to, dance like a cossack, and breathe.

If less people from work were reading this, i could have a longer story, but I'll just say that this new girl from work brought her TOTALLY hot friend. In a little Tube top. I was totally trying to hit on this new girl, whose name i can't remember.

But if you studied my post about strategising women, you'll know that all women want what a) They can't get, and b) what other women want. So since I wanted hot tube-top woman, new girl from work wanted me. And since new girl from work wanted me, hot tube-top woman was automatically more interested in me.

But i keep remembering Sneezy's parting words :``Never play where you work, and never work where you play.'' I know that if I fool around with someone from work, it can't be good. It has to be awkward. Something has to go wrong.

I think too much. That's my problem.

I have so many problems. Aargh.

Also in this issue :
* Sneezy's visiting me tomorrow. ``Arrange me women,'' he said. I can't. I have to pick up the schmuck at 9am from the airport, dressed in formals. Then the two of us have to drive to New Okhla Industrial Development Authority (aka NOIDA) and make a presentation to a multinational company. I have to pretend to be ``his associate''.
* I saw MI:3. It has to be the best movie made this year. Its so fast paced, you never stop to think that the movie makes no logical sense.
* I'm totally broke.

13 June 2006


So, here I am. Sitting at home. When I should be working. I called my boss and said, ``I'm going straight to PHQ (Police HQ), so I won't make it to the meeting... is that ok?''. But here I am. Not at PHQ.

I have no idea where I'm going. Maybe I should go to another city and work. My choices are between one city that's full of reporters, but also has a lot of pretty women, some of whom I already know, and one city that doesn't have so many reporters, but no women either. Work ... women ... work... women... so difficult is the choice.

Whenever my daddy thought he should have a conversation with me, he said, ``Son, what are you going to do with life?'' Now my daddy and me didn't have a lot to talk about, so everytime we were in a room with each other, he decided it was the right question to ask.

So here I am, dad. Here's what I want to do :)

In case you think I'm going to list out my career and professional goals here, sorry no. ( But if you must know, i'm going to be a Media Mogul.)

These are the women that I would like to date before I die. Of course, i could die tomorrow. Like Gautam Buddha said, nothing is permanent. So, my list doesn't actually have any names in it. Instead, i've made this list profession-wise. Since i'm a professional-and-all-that myself. Of course, there may be women outside these professional brackets. And this list may change as I grow older... Like Gautama Buddha said, `Nothing is permanent'.

And, if you read my last post, I'd outlined a strategy for women. That's what i'm going to use. Everytime I meet a pretty girl, i'm going to say, ``Sorry, i dont want you.''
1) The model. Ok, this is a pretty obvious profession. Every man worth his Homer Simpson boxers wants to date a Model. But since i'm being realistic, i'm not looking for a super-model or anything. Just a normal, even struggling struggling model will do. She could be in a Close-up ad. Liril, oh yes Liril. Ramp, good too... except then she might be taller than me... which is ok with me, since I've had a 6foot tall gf, who was some 4 inches taller than me. Ok 3.5''. But i dont want a really bad model... I'm really shallow. So sue me.

2) The corporate. You know, the kind that wears black suits and high heels to work. With no time for a family. She shouldn't even have time for me. Maybe an investment banker.

3) The CNBC anchor. No no, not like Jay Leno. Like the ones on CNBC-TV18. Has anyone noticed that they are by far the cutest of any TV channel? NDTV has some cute anchors too... but i'm sticking by CNBC anchors for my list. This EXCLUDES cnn-ibn anchors... I'm not interested there at all... except for that one REALLY hot one... but i dont think she's interested in me at all:)

4) NGO activist. You know, the kind that has glasses, and wears Khadi stuff thats NOT from Fabindia? She should talk about things like why the Lower Subansiri dam is bad for the people of Upper Assam. Or how archaic india's laws regarding undertrials are. Or that article 377 of the IPC should be scrapped. Things like that.

5) A writer. Not a recreational, write-short-stories-for-the-Telegraph type of writer. One with a proper book already out... and even better if it's sold a few copies already. Only, I don't want to date someone who doesn't write fiction... at least not till i'm 40, anyway.

6) A Ph.D Student. Yeh, you know. With glasses and all. Possibly someone studying solid-state physics, or the lineage of the Shaka Clan in africa.

7) A lesbian. Ok, i know this is not exactly a profession, but think of all the possibilities. And i also know that options 4 & 5 might also be option 7, but ... er.. think of all the possiblities!

8) A pilot. No no, not one for Jet Airways, or Spicejet. One that flies for the Indian Air Force. In fact, i even met a cute one in Bidar Air Base... but all she said to me was, ``Sir yes sir.'' ``I'm going to be an Air Warrior, Sir.'' And pilots in the IAF can't fly fighters yet, though all the senior pilots i've met said they should be allowed to. But for now, i'll be happy meeting a Mi-17 or An-32 pilot.

9) Hiker. You know, with green shorts, fit, dreams about making love under K2 when she goes to bed. There's something about an outdoor girl that city girls just can't match.

10) Computer Geek. This includes graphic artists, web-designers, software gurus, all of them.

So, that is the list for now. I'm sure there's more, but I just can't think of any. If any of my dear readers fall into any of these brackets, you can apply. Just send in a resume, accompanied by a video or two colour photographs to fasterjamesfaster@yahoo.co.in. And please, no men.
Also in this issue.
* Who's the smoodle who said something about yellow? Look at this : http://www.rsportscars.com/eng/cars/civic_type-r.asp . Can't you love that? It's a Civic. You know, you get those here. Not the concept, but the Civic.
* Fanaa is the most shit-assed movie ever. The pity is that it could be great, but its not.
* I want to se MI3.

09 June 2006

Psychology class

This post is for the men.
--Disclaimer : This post has a disclaimer at the bottom. Please read it after you're done. Dont kill things, its not good Karma. Don't be mean to bicyclists, its not good Karma. Don't eat too much Pizza, its not good for you. --
I know what women want. I've figured it out, and i'm going to impart this knowledge to all you men, and some of you women that may want it, out there. Before I begin, let me tell you that I have all the theoretical knowledege, but putting it into practical application is hard... even for me. Its like removing a crank from a mountain bike. You KNOW that you should use the crank-puller, and gently remove, and never use a hammer... but you just have to hammer, just once. And, that, my friends, is what kills the bottom-bracket.
But first, children, lets deal with a few common misconceptions about what women really want.
1) Money. Well, it helps. But its not everything. It can buy you a lot of good things, but not all good things. You can have all the money in the world, but if you've never slept in an Alpine meadow in the himalayas, you haven't been anywhere. Coming back to women. Yea, women like money, sure. But there is advantage in being the underdog with no money. And its cheaper.
2) A hot body. Well, i'm sure it helps. But you can do without it. I've seen and known all sorts of men, tall and skinny, really short and reallu skinny, fat, plumish, pear-shaped, wobbly, jiggly and even hunchbacked get hooked to hot women. That said, its not a bad idea to work out a little bit. (in case anyone says i work out for the women, no I don't. I work out for me.)
3) A hot face. Well, yea, that may help too. But there is no clear consensus amongst women on what exactly a hot face is. So some women find Vince Vaugh hot, some find Brad Pitt. Some find Billy Bob Thornton. Some overlap, yes, but some even find our own Paresh Rawal hot. Some like Rajnikant even. So this is really a moot point... every face is bound to have some likers.
4) A nice car. Ok, this might help too. But not really. I mean, a bike is sexier than a car. And men and women differ vastly on the subject of cars. Ok, you need to have some transportation to drive her somewhere, and a scooty pep isn't much class. If you were in goa, you could get Lambretta.. that would be cool. But you can get by without it. Really.
5) Superpowers. No point. Really. If you have them, use them. But if you don't, its ok. Unless you want to date Storm. Which you could even without superpowers, if you used my knowledge.
And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for.
Bum da bum bum baa bum.
Women want, what they can't get.
Simple. Thats how easy it is. If they cant get you, they want you. Simple. If you're all over a woman, and saying ``take me take me please'', they dont want you. Simple.
So now that you have this almost ethereal piece of knowledge, you have to change your strategy to incorporate it. If you meet a woman you like, don't call/message her incessantly. This is something i've been guilty of, and it doesn't work very well, i know. Let her call you also. If she doesn't call, find someone else that cant get you.
If you meet a girl at a party, don't stick to her like a leech, trying to make intelligent conversation. Even if you're a phd in agro-physics, leave it out. Go chat with the other women. That works double because
bum da bum bum biddy bum
All women want what other women want.
So if you're at a party, and you like this one woman, go talk to the others. The others will like you, cos you don't really like them, so subconsiously, they know they cant get you, so they want you. If all the others want you, and Ms. (or Mrs., if you can be that smooth) thinks she can't get you cos you're hardly talking to her, then she'll want you.
So strategy for such a situation should be, -go say hi to the girl - say something funny - move away - chat up the other women - come back and say hi occasionally - flirt with the other women - get flirted back - make your move on ms. x.

How's that eh?
So if you meet her professionally or something, ask her once for coffee... not like everyday. If she says 'I'm busy', you say, `ok call me when you're not' and move on.
If you want to succeed at this, its imperative that you develop a samurai like state of mind. Those guys left home everyday with incense in their helmets, so if hey were to be beheaded, it would smell sweet. Be ready to not get women. But remember, with enough practice, you'll get pretty good with them samurai blades. Remember Toshiro Mifune.
Remember, if you confuse a woman, she'll like you. Simple.
Oh, and, smell nice.
--Disclaimer : Don't take this too seriously. If you mess up, and lose the woman of your dreams, i'm not to blame. If you're a woman, don't get pissed off cos i let out your secret. Even if you didn't know it was your secret. This post has NOTHING to do with my previous post, for those of you that read me regularly. --

08 June 2006

In Defense of yellow + A small dissertation on women.

When my font was yellow, a lot of people said ``eeks yellow'', even though, you know, i'd said it was temporary. What the problem with yellow is, i dont know. What pink is to girls, yellow is to boys.
Case in point : The Yellow mitsubishi lancer. Isn't that sweet?
Case in point 2: The Yellow Skoda Rally Sport. Isn't that also sweet. (And NOBODY give me crap about the skoda being downmarket anywhere outside India... its got a Audi TT engine, and i've seen it bite the ass off one. )

And to defy all those of you that didn't like the yellow, there's a little yellow line on the left side of my template, which will never go away. You can resize the box to make the car, the babe,everything go away, but not the yellow line :)

Now, coming to the women. I think i've figured out what the problem with women is. Well, most women, at least. Not all, i'll admit, but I will extrapolate this thesis to all women. Mainly because i'm in a particularly bad mood.

Here's what I think. Women love to be hard on themselves. They love to beat themselves up. They want to be with a guy thats wrong for them. They never take the easy way out, always hacking through a rain forest with a dull machete. When they should let go, they won't. Decisions that are obvious to any halfway-intelligent onlooker are carried around like water-coolers. Women, i'm telling you, are pointless. And very often, stupid.

How many women do you know that are with a guy that is obviously not right for them, and they're still saying, ``Maybe it can work?''
But how many men do you know in the same situation? Hmm?

When something's obviously over, for whatever reason, how many men do you know that are still hanging on, waiting for the wind to change? Men just go find another ship to sail.

I know a tonne of women, who will let a hundred good things go by, waiting for the wrong thing to become right.

When you give a woman good advice, she's not going to take it.

Which is why you see so many hot, intelligent women with fat ugly slobs. Except those with footballers as significant others. Footballers always seem to have supermodel girlfriends.

If you think about it, you'll see that a lot more women forgive their men for cheating on them than the other way around.

Ok. I know. Some of this is inaccurate. But some of it isn't. But like I said, i'm not in a good mood. Grr.

Also in this issue:
* I've been tagged. Yes, i will respond, albino :P
* I hadn't paid my phone bill for a while, so my DSL was down too. Expect more of me soon, and i'll probably be happier tomorrow, so expect a more sensible, better post.
* I didn;t work out for 2 weeks. But now i'm back. With protein shake, sprouts as snacks, the works.

01 June 2006

slow down you craaazy child

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you've got so much to do and only so many hours in a dayyyyayeaayyy

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you can just get get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

You better.... cool it down before you burn it out...
Why don't you realise..... ooo oo ...vienna waits for you.

My last post had a few comments saying how disliked my template is :P

ok the lyrics may be a tad mixed up. But slow down, y'all. I already said that i still need to get the text colours (colors, if you're doing the HTML) right. The yellow was temporary, cos i couldn't get any other colour that would look ok on a grey background. There's way too much happening in the city and in my life for me to spend the time figureing CSS out.

Yes, freesprit, she's not in a bikini. I typed that out by mistake :) I'm close enough to hell as it is, don't tell god.

But mosilager.... dude, you're is the coolest idea. Will do asap. Say hi to the dogs for me.

Punkster ~ the next time you're in this country, i'll buy you dinner :P
Bloghead ~ the next time you're free, you can buy me dinner.
Mahi ~ You get dinner too. even though you weren't nice to my template. Its a grey bg, not white!