17 April 2008

How to snag literary type chicks.

Today I will tell you, the young man, how to snag chicks that read, and especially chicks that read poetry. And the beauty of it is, you won't actually have to read much poetry to do it.

First of all, you must remember that chicks that read are many. But they all pretty much read the same stuff. Those that've studied literature in college all read Shakespeare and whatever else is in the syllabus. Many of them actually didn't even understand it (but, still, its good for you to memorise these lines " When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won." Spout these words randomly, but strategically. Eg. Lit Chick : Ok, its time for me to go, i'm supposed to meet my boyfriend, and you don't seem that bright. WannabePlayer : When shall we three...... hurlyburly's.... lost and won" LitChick : Wow. I didn't know you read Shakespeare. WannabePlayer : I don't. I wrote that. LitChick. Hee hee... ok i'll wait a little longer, you're funny, and cute. (See what happened here, you led her to believe that you read and are intelligent, and yet, when she brought up the bard [Shakespeare, you dolt] you cleverly brought the conversation back to you, so you'll can talk about you, and so you don't have to actually discuss the dead dude [Shakespeare, you dolt]. Now, get her to talk about sex.

Ok, now back to the main bit, which is, how to snag literary type chicks, without actually being smart. I'm gonna teach you how to kill lit chicks till they're naked (not kill them dead, kill them horny, you dolt). Ok, here's the big secret. Just remember this one one name, but remember it well. E. E. Cummings.

What's that you say? Who is this Cummings dude? Ok, so cummings is a poet who was born to help us score with lit chicks.

So, first, google the dude, and read up about him, and you will get your first conversation starter bits. His name. This bit works better if you'll are conversing on email or gchat.

For instance
LitChick : So, do you like the romantics, or the Naturalists? (There's nothing actually called the Naturalists, except the nude white men in goa, but I'm not the poetry type either, so i don't really know much about poetry, so just assume that she throws a poetic period at you that you know nothing about)
You: Well, i don't think poetry, well, really, all art, can be boxed into little periods... i mean... time isn't linear.
LitChick : (slightly confused, cos she's actually a bit of a poseur too) What're you talking about?
You : Well, if you must know, i do appreciate E. E. Cummings.
LitChick: Don't you mean e. e. cummings?
You: Well, you can say it as you like... you know he didn't really stress on the capitalisation of his name... and he meant is as a mark of humility, really, not as the preferred orthography for others to use ... (she probably won't have read up about cummings on wikipedia, so she won't know that you're paraphrasing)
LitChick: well, what do you like about him?
You: I'd like to say that i like his versatility, and how he really says things in a way that makes me think, ``that's exactly what i was thinking'', but the truth is, because the guy's really a horny bugger ha ha.
LitChick : (ideally seeing the humour) ha ha so typical. You like a poet because he's `horny'.
--See what you've done here, boy? Not only have you showed her you're smart, and that you read, and introduced a bit of humour, but you're also slowly steering to topic around to sex, so you increase your chances of eventually doing this woman.
You : Well, typical, yes, but of what?
LitChick: Of the average, testosterone fuelled yada yada...
You : (cutting in) may i feel
LitChick: huh?
You: said he... ill squeal said she ...just once said he... its fun... said she.
LitChick: So thats why you like cummings...
You : ha ha... well... look i have to go soon, but i just want to say, that cummings really had such variety. I mean, he wrote about sex, yes, but also about love. And he wrote beautifully... very intense. Even if you ignore the punctuation, and the structures he builds with his words... very beautiful...

--remember to use these words : Beautiful and intense. Chicks dig these words.
Here, the chick will agree with you. Trust me, she will. and you continue.

You: Well, i can't stay much longer... my buddy's waiting for me... but we should continue this ...
LitChick: yea yea... I should go talk to my friends... my boyfriends not here today.
You: Well, we'll continue this later... life's not a paragraph, you know.
---Remember this life's not a paragraph dialogue, ok? its important

Remember, you're not actually going to go away. You're just saying you're going away. And now you're going to steer the conversation around to sex. Try not to do it with poetry, though. eg, you can say, ``Boyfriend? I thought you were lesbian?''. If you must use poetry, you can continue the life's not a paragraph bit with : and death i think is no parentheses... and neither are threesomes. (ok, dont fuckin ask me what parentheses are, cos i don;t know, and the threesomes bit isnt actually in the poem.)

If you can get thru this bit ok, then this chick is yours. Just remember never to talk more poetry with her. Like, you can say, ``Words, really, only limit expression. There are only so many words, and so many more feelings. Not my opinion... Parmahansa Yogananda's.'' Or say, ``Look, i dont really feel like talking now... lets just enjoy the silence for once.'' Or even, ``I'm really more the prose type...its always easier to carry prose when you're on motorcycle trips''

So, thats how to handle Lit Chicks. Just remember, they're not really that bright either, and want to get laid as much as you. And because they're lit chicks, will probably be more likely to be open to a threesome with another chick, and probably have lesbian lovers. Definately do if they're from LSR.

Thats it for me today. But just for your own happiness, check out this poem by cummings.

it is at moments after i have dreamed

it is at moments after i have dreamed
of the rare entertainment of your eyes,
when (being fool to fancy) i have deemed
with your peculiar mouth my heart made wise;
at moments when the glassy darkness holds
the genuine apparition of your smile
(it was through tears always)and silence moulds
such strangeness as was mine a little while;
moments when my once more illustrious arms
are filled with fascination, when my breast
wears the intolerant brightness of your charms:
one pierced moment whiter than the rest
-turning from the tremendous lie of sleep
i watch the roses of the day grow deep.

And also, any man who writes this, below, has to be a stud, and we all can learn a lot from him
the boys i mean are not refined

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever's on their mind
they do whatever's in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

1 comment:

Drama Queen said...

Ah. I'm a lit chick anyways and I think the Cummings reference really helps. You've got brains.

And no. WE DON'T DO THREESOMES. tsk tsk.